Things To Do: Lie

The average person lies 4 times a day.
I don't though. and I just assumed that generally people don't lie.  

Naive child that I was. 

*******

I like busy full days.  I make lists of "Things To Do" with boxes, just so I can check-mark them later.  It makes you feel like you've really accomplished something when you see all the boxes checked off.  The lists come in handy too.  
For example:
Once, I went to Foxwood Casino's and watched the entire series of Laguna Beach straight (in just 3 days! not once leaving the room!).  A Coworker once heard this and said "Maddy you have no life."  Pulling out my notepad really fast I shouted with righteous indignation "What did you say? why yes I do have a life, let me show you these list. Man you're going to feel really stupid once you see these lists. Yeah you see those checkmarks? That's right! Who doesn't have a life now, huh? huh? Yeah. Step-off. What?!" 

Yeah, you can earn mad respect with those lists.

So anyways, it was a Friday.  I was dawdling around downtown, lazily finishing up some errands, and I was feeling pretty good about myself.  The sun was shining, birds chirping, men dabbing ketchup off their ties waiting for seconds at hot dog lady's cart, it was just a nice day to be downtown.  Along with the weather, I was looking pretty nice myself.  Now mind you, I'm not one to brag about myself, but that Friday I woke up incredibly early and thus had enough time to pick out a cute outfit, my hair for some reason was shiny and frizz free, my  eyebrows didn't look like fat caterpillars, and I had gone for a run that morning so according to my mom my "Face looks alive, not like skin of dead man." 

I looked great.  When you know you look great you act more confidant.

So I'm slapping high fives, saying hi with some of the regular good looking customers I bumped into, even the homeless were in awe of me because they didn't ask me for any money like they always do.  I was quite taken with how everyone was reacting and treating me differently due to my awesome appearance.  It was magic.  So the day was winding down and I had one last task, I had to get my picture taken for my school ID.  I find my way to the ID center and the other students let me go in front of them, and I find myself at the front of the line (magic, right?).  I say my ID number (earlier that day I had a dentist appointment and had a filling done, so my mouth was still a little numb from the Novocaine, but I managed to slur out my numbers) and finally time for the photo.

I smile.

The guy looks out from over his camera and says "Actually why don't you just look at the fish, you don't have to smile." 

Weird. Alright.  

I look at the fish, wait a few moments and finally get my ID.  I was expecting it to be my best ID yet but words cannot describe my initial reaction.  Surely there was some kind of mistake? Bad lighting? But I knew that even bad lighting couldn't make me look this bad. I bolted to the nearest bathroom covering my face with my hands.  

My ID didn't do me justice.  Have you ever seen a person's face who has had a seizure?  Often a side is entirely limp, no muscles, no structure, just there, blah.  That was my face, but ten times worse.  I knew I couldn't talk very well, I was slurring my words all day, but since I thought I looked awesome I wasn't really listening to myself and just assumed I sounded like a cute foreign girl.  My left side was, oh my.  It looked like somebody had used only the left side of my lips as a punching bag, huge, inflated, purply, and droopy.  When I smiled it just made it hang and droop more so.  My eye was hiding behind the fluffy folds of my massively inflated left cheek.  And there was some saliva... dribbling off my chin. I had absolutely no control of anything, and when I attempted to talk it just made more dribble. I was a monster. The grossest looking monster I'd ever seen.    

My 1st task for that day was a dentist appointment (fillings).  I have always had laughing gas administered, because I can't deal with needles.  That morning I decided I was ready to face the needle, and so Novocaine was used.  Leaving the dentist I couldn't feel the left side of my face, or really talk, but I managed to ask "Is my face puffy or something?" he said "Not at all, you'll talk funny for  maybe an hour and a half but it will wear off."  
I left, putting full trust in what my dentist say.  

There I was all day, saying hi and being all flirty and cute.
With everyone.  I was so happy. 
Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees was playing in the back of my head while I walked down the streets that day because I felt like magic. Turns out, nope, not.  When people said "Hi Maddy!" they were actually saying "um hi... Maddy?"  
And the high fives, ouch, I don't really want to think about how I looked.  Shouting not "High Five" in a cute little foreign voice but more like "Huhwhy Fuhwhy! Huhwhy Fuwhy!" in a special type of voice.  And of course they gave me a high five, I'm the town simpleton, pity the special kid with drool on her chin and just give her a high five.  Man I looked... Of course the homeless didn't ask me for money that day, would you ask for money from a person who had a seizure?

Moral of the story? I'm allergic to Novocaine. and also:

Never put full trust in anyone, much less your dentist.  

Anyways, I hope life has treated you far more kindly then it has me recently.


-m&m